Give Me a Reason
by Droewyn
Summary: Your typical boy-meets-boy-in-a-chatroom-and-doesn't-realize-it's-Victor-Nikiforov-for-years story. Format is based on phlintandsteel's fabulous sweetsilversub, only mine is about mental illness and not loving, consensual, healthy BDSM because I am a cheerful mofo and she already did it the best anyway. TW: Suicide Attempt in Ch. 8.
1. June 2012

_lukewarm_mess: one of my roommate's hamsters is pregnant_

 _lukewarm_mess: and i want to see the babies_

 _KingElsa: Wait… that's a reason?_

 _Deltatangofoxtrot: DANGER! ABORT!_

 _iamworthy: *makes popcorn*_

 _KingElsa: ?_

 _KingElsa: I just…_

 _KingElsa: Shouldn't your reason to stay alive be something super meaningful?_

 _mercyslovechild: now uve done it_

 _iamworthy: NEW KID INITIATION TIME GATHER ROUND CHILDREN_

 _iamworthy: *dusts off mess's soapbox*_

 _mercyslovechild: gathers_

 _lukewarm_mess: hush you_

 _suicideflirtsback: *gathers*_

 _Deltattangofoxtrot: Sorry but were you not going to give THE SPEECH? Also *gathers*_

Yuuri chuckled, smothering a silly urge to bury his face in his hands. It would only smudge his glasses, and he was already safely hidden behind a screen and a username, anyway.

"Share the funny," Phichit demanded. True to form, while they'd started the movie on separate ends of the couch, he had somehow managed to migrate across two and a half cushions and into his favorite cuddle position in the crook of Yuuri's arm, all without ever visibly moving. As far as mutant powers went, Yuuri supposed that it was fairly benign. No self-respecting supervillain was going to go out of their way to form an archnemesisship with someone like Cuddle Ninja, after all.

 _lukewarm_mess: well. i mean, yes but_

"Apparently I've become known for the Reason talk enough to get teased about it," Yuuri replied. He kept typing.

 _lukewarm_mess: it's not like i own it or anything_

 _lukewarm_mess: i didn't even come up with it, i think i first read it on tumblr_

Phichit squeezed his knee affectionately. "I can see why," he said. "It's become a really important coping strategy for you."

 _iamworthy: You brought it into this chat first and are super passionate about it, it's yours_

 _mercyslovechild: just like if u liked it_

 _mercyslovechild: *licked_

 _KingElsa: Am I going to get schooled?_

 _KingElsa: Teach me, O wise master!_

 _KingElsa: m(_ _)m_

"That's your newbie?" Phichit was peering at the laptop screen. "Bowing before your magnificence already; I approve. You have my blessing to marry this man."

Yuuri snorted. "Along with half the track team, Micah and Darius from gender studies, and the waitress at Grand Trunk."

"She never charges us for sodas, Yuuri!"

 _lukewarm_mess: okay if we're doing this let's do this_

 _lukewarm_mess: *climbs on soap box and grabs a_

 _lukewarm_mess: um. english word for thing that makes your voice louder when you talk into it?_

 _iamworthy: microphone?_

 _suicideflirtsback: bullhorn_

 _lukewarm_mess: that's it thx_

 _lukewarm_mess: *climbs on soapbox and grabs a bullhorn*_

 _KingElsa: *awaits enlightenment*_

As far as Yuuri knew, Reason Theory wasn't officially a part of any formal course of therapy. It was reliant on the notion that, since suicide was a fundamentally selfish act, the motivation behind _not_ killing oneself needed to be equally selfish. It also needed to be concrete and easily attainable. The tumblr poster had argued that not only was wanting to know how Game of Thrones ended just as valid as staying alive for the sake of a loved one or child, but it could be far more effective because it was easier to commit to. The TV show couldn't care who watched it, after all, and would never be let down by a viewer's failure to view.

 _lukewarm_mess: my brain makes me think that my friends and family would be better off without me all the time_

 _lukewarm_mess: but baby hamsters are value neutral. i want to be here to see them because *i* want to see them. not because i have to or should. there's no responsibility there so i don't have guilt on top of everything else. i can't speak for everyone but shoulds are really destructive for me_

 _Deltatangofoxtrot: me to_

 _KingElsa: That… makes a lot of sense, actually…_

 _lukewarm_mess: you can have a different reason every day because one is all you need_

 _lukewarm_mess: just to get to next month. or next week. or tomorrow_

 _KingElsa: It's supposed to be nice this weekend. I'm thinking about taking my dog to the beach._

 _iamworthy: There you go, something to look forward to_

 _lukewarm_mess: and it's not just for bad days either_

 _lukewarm_mess: like i've been pretty good lately btween meds and therapy but_

 _lukewarm_mess: if i already have a reason in my mind i don't have to try to think of one when things get hard and my brain is fighting me_

 _lukewarm_mess: so try to get in the habit of always having one if you can_

 _lukewarm_mess: okay, lesson over_

 _KingElsa:_ _That's amazing! Thank you!_

 _KingElsa: *applauds and throws roses*_

 _lukewarm_mess:_ (⁄ ⁄⁄ ▽ ⁄⁄ ⁄)

 _suicideflirtsback: speaking of reasons, I tried this green tea & lemon candy ice cream the other day_

 _suicideflirtsback: no joke it made me whole_

 _mercyslovechild: that sounds gross tbh_

 _lukewarm_mess: green tea ice cream is so good! i don't know about lemon candy in it though? like, lemon drops?_

 _KingElsa: Seriously, though. I really appreciate this. You've given me a lot to think about._

 _suicideflirtsback: no, more like… you know the filling in those lemon girl scout cookies? like that, only i think maybe it's flavored white chocolate_

 _lukewarm_mess: any time, king._ ( ´ ▽ ` )

 _* KingElsa Quit (Quit: Leaving)_


	2. December 2012

Makkachin was panting with happiness and exertion, although she waited patiently for Victor to remove the leash and towel the remaining snow off her legs before bounding into the flat and making a beeline for the water bowl. Victor smiled fondly as the poodle attacked the water, lapping at it with the same enthusiasm she had for everything else in her world.

He wasted no time in hanging up his coat and kicking off his boots into the drying tray by the door, knowing that he had a bare few minutes before Makka started whining for dinner. Victor's own meals during the competition season tended to be pre-packaged, perfectly balanced things that went from the freezer to the microwave to his stomach without concerning themselves with such trifles as flavor or texture along the way, but princesses were never meant to live like that.

"Tonight's supper is rabbit florentine," he informed her with the air of a maître d' reciting the day's specials. Makka wagged her tail and looked fascinated. The spinach wasn't actually fresh, but had been run through a juicer, along with half a bulb of garlic and a few other vegetables that provided necessary vitamins for an older dog's digestive health. It looked like swamp muck, but then so did Victor's protein shakes, so he supposed he couldn't judge the stuff too harshly. He spooned two large dollops into her bowl, noting that he'd need to make another batch soon.

The rabbit was just that; half a rabbit, raw, cut into chunks with the bones intact. Then came a series of supplement powders, some from the vitamin cupboard and some from the fridge, containing live cultures of healthy bacteria that needed the cold to keep them alive. A raw egg was next, and then the entire thing was crowned with a generous drizzle of fish oil for omega-3s and coat shine.

After a quick toss to ensure that everything was evenly coated with egg, oil, and vitamin powder, Victor set the bowl on the floor. Makkachin pounced on it almost before he could get his hands out of the way, and the kitchen was filled with the sounds of happy whines and crunching.

Ten minutes later, the bowl was licked clean of even the tiniest scrap of oil, and Victor's own dinner had been nuked and consumed. He assumed it had been chicken, being far too rubbery for fish.

Cleanup was quick, and Makka knew Victor's routine well. She was already on the couch by the time the plastic meal tray had been disposed of, and dog dish and flatware filed away into the dishwasher. Victor curled up next to her on the sofa, burying his fingers in the warmth of her fur, closed his eyes, and allowed himself to just _be_ for the first time that day.

Several long moments later, he reached for his laptop.

 _* Joined channel #therapycouchfort_

 _* Topic is 'Remember to get secret santa gifts in the mail no later than FRIDAY for domestic shipping'_

 _* Set by SockPuppet on Dec 10 7:27:41 2012_

 _mercyslovechild: and emmett knew which is y he left evrything to jerrica_

 _lukewarm_mess: okay, but what about shana and aja?_

 _mercyslovechild: dude hated one kid for not being his so much he didnt evn mention her in his will u think he cares abt fosters_

 _KingElsa: Evening, everyone!_

 _Small_Monster: hey king_

 _iamworthy: *wave*_

 _lukewarm_mess: king, tell mercy that kimber benton did not kill her own father_

 _mercyslovechild: eric raymond is kimbers father hate to break it to u like dis luke_

 _mercyslovechild: also hi king_

 _KingElsa: … I'm sorry. What are we talking about?_

 _mercyslovechild: jem_

 _KingElsa: ?_

 _lukewarm_mess: and the holograms?_

 _KingElsa: ?_

 _lukewarm_mess:_

 _lukewarm_mess: go_

 _lukewarm_mess: netflix it_

 _lukewarm_mess: right now we'll wait_

 _mercyslovechild: not the movie tho the cartoon_

 _lukewarm_mess: oh, right. good call that movie was garbage_

 _Small_Monster: It was good when it was called Josie and the Pussycats_

He tabbed over to Google and did a quick search. The resulting wiki page was… very pink. Secret identity pop stars who traveled the world and had unlikely adventures? It looked ridiculous, but in a fun way.

 _KingElsa: Maybe later. Thanks for the tip, though!_

 _KingElsa: More importantly, what are you doing here, Mess? You're never on at this time of day during the week._

 _lukewarm_mess: grr_

 _lukewarm_mess: i sprained my ankle_

 _lukewarm_mess: so i'm not allowed to work for at least a week, longer if the PT doesn't clear me right away_

 _iamworthy: Sounds like your work is physically intensive?_

 _lukewarm_mess: yeah_

 _lukewarm_mess: we're in the middle of our busy season too_

 _KingElsa: Things should lighten up after the holidays, though, right?_

 _lukewarm_mess: not in my industry_

 _KingElsa: What do you do?_

 _Small_Monster: he works for the CIA_

 _KingElsa: What, really?! O.O_

 _lukewarm_mess: NO_

 _lukewarm_mess: sorry i_

 _lukewarm_mess: just don't feel comfortable giving out personal details like that_

 _Small_Monster: you know it's not like anyone can track you down if you tell us you work in sales or IT or smthing_

 _KingElsa: It's okay, Mess. I shouldn't have asked._

 _SockPuppet: Yellow card, Monster. 5 yard penalty for unnecessary roughness. Do it again and get a 1 day temp ban._

 _lukewarm_mess: nono it's fine to ask anything, just respect when i can't answer_

 _Small_Monster: sry my bad_

 _lukewarm_mess: np monster_

 _KingElsa: Of course!_

 _KingElsa: At least it sounds like your boss cares about your welfare, though?_

 _lukewarm_mess: oh yeah_

 _lukewarm_mess: i have the best boss_

 _lukewarm_mess: i just usually dance out stress_

 _lukewarm_mess: and i obvs can't do that either rn_

 _KingElsa: G A S P_

 _lukewarm_mess: so i'm stuck sitting around feeling sorry for myself_

 _KingElsa: You dance?_

 _KingElsa: Formally? What discipline?_

Was it wrong to try to imagine someone when you had no physical reference for them at all? Victor knew that the other user identified as male and attended college somewhere in the States, but that was pretty much it. And now he knew that Mess danced. Maybe he was a redhead, small and lithe, with pale, freckle-dusted shoulders and cornflower eyes. Or a blond, perhaps; tanned and powerful but with a sweet, sweet smile. African-American, with long lashes framing shy eyes in a brown face?

 _I am definitely going to internet chatroom hell,_ Victor thought, and wondered what color that card was.

 _mercyslovechild: ths is relevnt to my intrests as well_

 _lukewarm_mess:_ _(⁄ ⁄•⁄ω⁄•⁄ ⁄)_

 _iamworthy: Please say morris_

 _lukewarm_mess: haha, only the one time_

 _lukewarm_mess: yes we were drunk, no there is no surviving evidence_

 _iamworthy: Well obvs, if you're not completely pissed you're doing morris dancing wrong_

 _lukewarm_mess: i stole p's phone and made sure of it_

 _SockPuppet: Are you okay with this, mess? Say the word and I'll hand out more warnings._

 _lukewarm_mess: its fine i'm fine_

 _lukewarm_mess: ballet since i was three_

 _mercyslovechild: BALLERINA MESS 3 3 3_

 _lukewarm_mess: ballroom, jazz, latin, freestyle, swing_

 _iamworthy: It's danseur for boys_

 _KingElsa: WOW! AMAZING! *swoon*_

 _iamworthy: *is super impressed*_

 _lukewarm_mess: some other stuff too_

 _lukewarm_mess: dance is one of my majors so_

 _Small_Monster: do u dance professionally_

 _Small_Monster: ?_

 _SockPuppet: Careful._

 _lukewarm_mess: no, and i really don't intend to_

 _lukewarm_mess: my dancing is just for me_

 _Small_Monster: so whats your other major then_

 _lukewarm_mess: moving makes me happy_

 _* Small_Monster Quit (Quit: Kicked by SockPuppet)_

 _lukewarm_mess: anyway that's why i'm so off balance now_

 _lukewarm_mess: i can't do what i normally do to clear my head_

 _SockPuppet: *points two fingers at her eyes and one finger at y'all*_

 _SockPuppet: *except mess because mess never does anything wrong*_

 _mercyslovechild: mods pet_

 _mercyslovechild: jk ilu_

 _KingElsa: Is there anything I can do to help, Mess?_

 _KingElsa: I mean, you're home alone, right? Your roommate is at work?_

 _lukewarm_mess: not really but thx_

 _lukewarm_mess: yeah but it's not like_

 _lukewarm_mess: i'm not a danger or anything_ _┐('_ _` )┌_

 _lukewarm_mess: just crabby and bored_

 _KingElsa: I just wish you didn't have to be alone ; ;_

 _lukewarm_mess: …_

 _lukewarm_mess: …_

 _lukewarm_mess: watch jem with me?_

 _lukewarm_mess: i mean, if you're not busy or anything_

 _KingElsa: ! Mess is a genius!_

 _KingElsa: Wait, how would that work?_

 _iamworthy: Probably go set up your own temporary channel, lock it with a password if you don't want trolls bots or randos, and coordinate netflix so you start at the same time_

 _mercyslovechild: can i join_

 _mercyslovechild: or is it like a date thing_

 _KingElsa: Of course! The more the merrier o~_

 _lukewarm_mess: if you behave_

 _lukewarm_mess: no crackpot conspiracy theories interrupting my musical adventuromance_

 _mercyslovechild: how about I keep it to the credits_

 _lukewarm_mess: …fine_

 _KingElsa: Great! I'll go set things up. And make some popcorn! Meet back in 15?_

 _mercyslovechild: k_

 _lukewarm_mess: sounds good_

 _lukewarm_mess: king?_

 _KingElsa: Mess?_

 _lukewarm_mess: thanks_

 _KingElsa: Any time, Mess. 3_


	3. March 2013

Celestino insisted on carrying the majority of Yuuri and Phichit's luggage up the stairs to their apartment. "You've earned it, boys," he told them. "I'm so proud of you both."

Yuuri frowned. He didn't want to directly contradict his coach, and it was always awkward feeling bad about his own performance when Phichit hadn't even made it past the short program, but fifteenth place was _not_ what he'd worked so hard for all season.

Celestino was having none of it. "Did you skate your best?" he demanded. Yuuri muttered a grudging affirmative.

"What was that, Yuuri? I didn't quite catch what you said." Yuuri had hoped that Phichit would be fully engrossed with his hamsters by now, having made a beeline for their habitat the instant the door was unlocked. Apparently the universe wasn't about to let him get that lucky.

He sighed heavily. "Yeah. I skated my best." Maybe if he played along, they'd drop the subject. There was nothing else to do if they were determined to gang up on him, anyway.

"And did you improve on last year's performance?"

"Yes." Last year it had been Yuuri who had missed being in the top twenty-five. Phichit hadn't even qualified for Worlds in 2012, ending his own season after a disappointing 4CC.

Celestino beamed as though that made it all better. "And that is why I am proud of you, and why you should be proud of yourself. Keep training as hard as you have been, and next season you'll be in the top ten for sure."

"And in the meantime," Phichit added, "It's time to start the post-season off right with the ritual Eating of the Carbs. I'm thinking Pizza Papalis?"

Yuuri shot him a halfhearted glare. "Your Nationals are still coming up," he pointed out, but there was little actual heat in his voice. It wasn't Phichit's fault that his 'freshman fifteen' had been the opposite of most students', resulting in a good third of his class plying their 'precious hamster son' with varying foodstuffs to 'keep his strength up'.

"I'll be good after tonight!"

"You could at least blush when you lie through your teeth like that." Yuuri rolled his eyes. "Fine. Spinach and mushroom, extra garlic, you're paying, _and_ you're handling all of the human interaction."

Celestino laughed. "I am not hearing any of this. Celebrate well, boys. Ciao ciao!" He let himself out amid Phichit's whoop of joy and subsequent call to the pizza place.

Yuuri curled up on the couch and opened his laptop. For once he wasn't jetlagged after a competition, this year's championship having been held a bare two hours' drive away, in Ontario. He was still _tired_ – a week's worth of too little sleep while dealing with far too many strangers was stressful enough even without the pressure of competition – but he wasn't _sleepy_. It was an odd, but not unwelcome, feeling.

 _*Bad channel key for #therapycouchfort_

He blinked. He'd opened the chat client on autopilot, not really intending to socialize even to the extent of text on a screen, but this was an error message he'd never seen before.

/msg SockPuppet what's a channel key and why is it bad?

*SockPuppet: no such nick/channel

/msg KingElsa hey do you know what's going on with the chat

KingElsa Mess! 3 3 3

KingElsa They had to password-lock the channel. I guess there was an invasion of trolls?

KingElsa Password is "nuclearoption" with no quotes.

/join #therapycouchfort nuclearoption

 _* Joined channel #therapycouchfort_

 _* Topic is 'If you haven't gotten the new channel password from one of the mods, msg us asap. Lockdown goes into effect Thursday night. Thanks for your patience in the meantime.'_

 _* Set by StevenMultiverse on Mar 12 12:04:17 2013_

 _lukewarm_mess: i can't leave you guys for five minutes, can i_

 _lukewarm_mess: thanks for the pw king_

 _KingElsa:_ _＼_ _(_ _)_ _／_

 _mercyslovechild: nope u go away and evrything goes to shit_

 _suicideflirtsback: wait does that mean mess is the reason we can't have nice things?_

 _mercyslovechild: pls dont abandon us again_

 _StandardDeviation: you wish flirt_

 _StandardDeviation: wb mess how was the business conf_

 _lukewarm_mess: very business much industry so productivity wow_

 _suicideflirtsback: have you leveled up your synergy or whatever?_

 _lukewarm_mess: my boss seems to think so but.._

 _KingElsa: Your boss is obviously full of wisdom and good judgment and you should listen to them._

 _lukewarm_mess: my boss let Peaches eat himself sick on maple candy that we can totally get at home but apparently it's different because it's travel candy, whatever that means_

 _mercyslovechild: i thouht peaches was a babby_

 _mercyslovechild: babbies get to travel for work?_

 _lukewarm_mess: he's an intern so i guess? idk_

"I'm a _what_?" Phichit shrieked from directly behind Yuuri, who winced at the sound.

"Quit reading over my shoulder; that's why I made you get your own account. Oh, there's a password to get in now. Nuclear option, one word, all lower case."

"Thailand's Prince, the Jewel of Bangkok, an _intern_? Yuuri, how could you?" He flopped dramatically over the back of the couch.

"Shut up, I panicked."

 _lukewarm_mess: anyway why the lockdown?_

 _lukewarm_mess: king you said something about trolls?_

 _*Peaches_and_Dream has joined #therapycouchfort_

 _KingElsa: I wasn't here either, actually, but that's what I heard. Hi Mess' roommate._

 _suicideflirtsback: we were invaded by scientologists_

 _Peaches_and_Dream: Hello mess' self-friendzoning internet boyfriend_

 _mercyslovechild: woa_

 _StandardDeviation: or at least people claiming to be scientologists_

 _lukewarm_mess: PEACH_

 _KingElsa: GASP_

 _StandardDeviation: like two dozen_ _of them flooding the channel at once_

 _Peaches_and_Dream: I notice you're not denying it_ _ヽ_ _(*'_ _､_ _^*)chu_

"Shut it, _Intern Boy_."

 _StandardDeviation: all telling us to stop taking our brainwashing pills and read dianetics_

 _suicideflirtsback: p sure they were on vpns because even with the mods ip banning them they just kept coming back_

"Still waiting for a denial, Yuu-chan! Other than the one _you're_ in, I mean."

 _Peaches_and_Dream: Sounds more like bored channers to me_

 _mercyslovechild: whatevs it was annoying_

 _suicideflirtsback: you mean EPIC_

 _suicideflirtsback: socks just about developed superpowers out of sheer rage_

 _StandardDeviation: after two days the mods decided to make the channel private, and we've been lockedin our fallout shelter eating k-rations ever since_

 _KingElsa: Sounds like it was an exciting week!_

 _StevenMultiverse: It's not a perfect solution because it means new people who might actually want to join the chat can't, but there's not much else we can do at the moment._

 _mercyslovechild: where where you king?_

 _StevenMultiverse: In a month or two we'll try and reopen the channel. Hopefully they'll have gone away by then._

 _lukewarm_mess: sounds good to me, glad you found a solution_

 _KingElsa: I went to a family reunion._

 _suicideflirtsback: good times?_

 _KingElsa: I suppose. It was… typical._

 _lukewarm_mess: how so_

 _KingElsa: I don't know. The same faces, the same stories, never any surprises. Lousy food at the big dinner party._

 _mercyslovechild: potluck :P_

 _KingElsa: Catered._ _But still not good._

 _suicideflirtsback: did you have to be nice to Racist Uncle Tony?_

 _KingElsa:_ _(°_ _ロ_ _°) ! How did you know?! I mean, he was neither a Tony nor my uncle, but…._

 _suicideflirtsback: EVERYONE has a Racist Uncle Tony_

 _*Deltatangofoxtrot has joined #therapycouchfort_

 _KingElsa: "I'm just concerned about the way your *lifestyle*" – he actually made air quotes with his fingers! – "reflects on us…"_

 _Peaches_and_Dream: Ugh, sorry King._

 _lukewarm_mess:_ _((_ _﹏_ _))_

 _mercyslovechild: homophobic uncle tony_

 _suicideflirtsback: always the highlight of fam functions_

 _suicideflirtsback: hey fox_

 _StevenMultiverse: hi fox_

 _Peaches_and_Dream: Hi Tango_

 _KingElsa: Hello, DTF._

 _StandardDeviation: Did you just_

 _StandardDeviation: *facepalms*_

 _Deltatangofoxtrot: RDY ANYTIME BAE_ ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 _mercyslovechild: passes out protection_

 _Peaches_and_Dream: Why sir, I hardly know you! *flutters fan*_

 _KingElsa: …_

 _suicideflirtsback: *is ace*_

 _StevenMultiverse: *is married*_

 _KingElsa: …_

 _lukewarm_mess: at least take me out to dinner first_

 _KingElsa: !_

 _KingElsa: Et tu, Mess?_

 _lukewarm_mess: you've been here how long and you still walked into that?_

 _lukewarm_mess: sorry no sympathy, you deserved it_

 _KingElsa:_ 。゜゜(´Ｏ`) ゜゜。

 _KingElsa: I'm ESL?_

 _lukewarm_mess: no excuse, so am i_

 _lukewarm_mess: it has to be somewhere nice, too. i don't put out for qdoba_

 _StandardDeviation: Besides, that's not english, it's internet_

 _StandardDeviation: *is helping*_

 _KingElsa: Don't help. ._

Headlights flashed through the window as a car pulled into the parking lot. Yuuri glanced outside and saw the glowing pizza sign on the roof. His shoulders hunched involuntarily.

"Go hide," Phichit told him. "I'll bribe them to go away, that usually works."

Yuuri smiled sheepishly before heading for their shared bedroom. "Sorry," he said. "It's just—"

"—No more strangers for a while. I know. I'll say our goodbyes in chat, too. It's BFF bonding time."


	4. November 2013

The boy on the ice was new to the Grand Prix series, and it was clear that he wouldn't be advancing to the final. His triples were shaky and he wasn't even attempting a quad. Not that quads were required, Victor reminded himself. Just last year he'd taken them out of his programs at Euros on a dare and had still won by a comfortable margin, purely on the strength of a clean skate and high PCS marks. Yakov had been apoplectic, of course, and had forbidden him from pulling such a stunt at Worlds, but it had honestly been the most fun Victor had had at a competition in years.

The boy – Chulanont, from Thailand – was fun to watch, though. He danced his program with a cheerfulness that was infectious, and he had the audience clapping along to the music within moments. A popped triple axel and a two-footed landing on a triple-double combination didn't seem to bother him in the slightest, though Victor knew he had to be disappointed. But Chulanont's spins were solid, and his steps…

 _Who does that step sequence remind me of_ , he wondered. A flash of blue and silver teased at Victor's memory, crowned with a mop of dark hair. _Oh yes, that Japanese skater. Yuuki something? Yoshi? I wonder if Chulanont is his fan._ It bothered him, a little, not to be able to remember the man's name. Victor had it written down somewhere in one of his notebooks – he still researched all of the skaters that he shared ice with, Yakov having drilled respect for his competitors into him at an early age – but he didn't used to need the physical notes the way he did now. When had the names and faces all started to blur? _I really must be getting old,_ Victor thought dismally.

Chulanont ended on a slide, his arms outstretched. He was all smiles as he took his bows, but his eyes gleamed in a way that almost made Victor smile. _He's determined. Good. He'll take this experience and grow from it._

Victor zoned out during the scoring, already knowing how he'd be judged. Chulanont had been the last to skate the short program, and he wasn't close to challenging Georgi's first place standing. Georgi's own skate had been the cleanest Victor had ever seen it, and if he was able to carry that energy over into the free skate they'd be in the Final together for sure, Victor already having secured his own place with a pair of easy golds in Skate Canada and NHK.

Yakov found Victor still sitting in the stands as the crowd was thinning. "You're joining us for dinner?" the old coach rumbled. It was barely a question. He frowned as Victor shook his head.

"Tonight is Gosha's, and if I go I'll just draw attention away from him." He sighed with just the right amount of rueful, "what can you do?" disappointment in it. "I'll hide in my room and let him enjoy his well-earned spotlight. Think of me when I'm scrounging scraps from vending machines?"

"Running up the room service bill outrageously, you mean." But Yakov's face had softened into something like fondness. "It's true that the fans and the press tend to focus on you whether you skate or not," he said finally, and Victor knew that he'd won.

It wasn't that Victor _didn't_ want to give Georgi the opportunity to shine on his own – of course he did, Gosha had more than earned it – but the real truth was far more selfish. If he went to dinner and someone recognized him – and in Moscow, during Rostelecom, the chances of that happening were pretty damn high – they weren't just going to ignore Georgi. They would want, no, _insist_ that he be Living Legend Victor Nikiforov for them, Russia's Golden God, St. Petersburg's Hope—

— _Victor the Oft Photoshopped, He Whose Shit Is Not Allowed to Stink, Whose Hair Is Discussed More Than His Skating, Subject of Seven Hundred RPF Smut Fics and Supposedly Beloved by All but Actually Having Only a Single (Admittedly Really Great) Dog to Love—_

—and he just didn't want to be that mask. Not tonight. Not when he didn't have to be. _Victor the dancing monkey thinks that Victor the Living Legend is an asshole, and just for tonight the dancing monkey is on strike._

Yakov was probably right about the room service bill.

 _* Joined channel #therapycouchfort_

 _* Topic is 'Tomb Raider: Best portrayal of PTSD in a video game ever, or ONLY portrayal of PTSD in a video game ever? Discuss.'_

 _* Set by StevenMultiverse on Nov 21 19:11:58 2013_

 _suicideflirtsback: holy shit mercy are you okay_

 _iamworthy: *hugs*_

 _mercyslovechild: im ok_

 _mercyslovechild: i guess_

 _KingElsa: What happened?_

 _mercyslovechild: its just_

 _lukewarm_mess: mercy's parents got CPS called on them_

 _KingElsa: ?_

 _mercyslovechild: tried to tell them once bfore and they blew me off_

 _iamworthy: Child Protective Services, King._

 _mercyslovechild: they asked if i cut an it was like they stoppd listenning after i said no_

 _/msg lukewarm_mess I don't understand._

 _/msg lukewarm_mess Did Mercy's parents hurt her?_

 _mercyslovechild: now there all sad and ilu and what can we do to help_

 _*lukewarm_mess no but she hurts herself and a teacher noticed she was hiding bruises_

 _mercyslovechild: i hate it_

 _iamworthy: At least you're into therapy now though, right?_

 _/msg lukewarm_mess !_

 _mercyslovechild: like, u cant be bothered to give a rats ass until someone else thinks your a bad parent_

 _mercyslovechild: yea but_

 _mercyslovechild: they keep asking if im bullied at school or have bad relationshisp and i dont_

 _mercyslovechild: theres no reason for me to feel this way_

 _mercyslovechild: im just fuckn broken_

 _KingElsa: Mercy. You are not broken._

 _suicideflirtsback: ^^^^^^^^_

 _iamworthy: *hugs mercy tight* What King said._

 _mercyslovechild: yes i am_

 _KingElsa: Am I broken? Is Iam? Is Mess? Is Socks?_

 _mercyslovechild: no_

 _lukewarm_mess: so what if you are?_

 _mercyslovechild: but_

 _suicideflirtsback: holy shit mess that's cold_

 _mercyslovechild: u all have real problems and real illnesses w like diagnoces n stuff that u need help for_

 _lukewarm_mess: broken DOESN'T mean garbage_

 _KingElsa: I don't._

 _mercyslovechild: im just some stupid kid crying over nothing_

 _lukewarm_mess:_ search?q=kintsugi&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjz6PXqzJvWAhVj3IMKHbLMBhsQ_AUICigB&biw=1094&bih=626

 _lukewarm_mess: we fix broken things_

 _lukewarm_mess: we glue them together with gold so everyone can see the scars_

 _KingElsa: I don't have a diagnosis._

 _lukewarm_mess: they're stronger and more beautiful after_

 _lukewarm_mess: more valuable_

 _lukewarm_mess: and more worthy of love_

 _iamworthy: King?_

 _KingElsa: I've… never seen anyone._

 _KingElsa: You're the only people I've ever talked to about this kind of thing._

 _*lukewarm_mess !_

 _mercyslovechild: why_

 _KingElsa: I don't know, lots of reasons?_

 _*lukewarm_mess you havent talked to anyone irl?_

 _KingElsa: But they all kind of boil down to I'm scared._

 _/msg lukewarm_mess I can't… I'm under a ton of scrutiny at work…_

 _/msg lukewarm_mess Lots of people hoping for the guy on the top to fall. If I show weakness…_

 _KingElsa: So if you're broken what does that make me? You're at least trying to reach out for help._

 _mercyslovechild: …_

 _*lukewarm_mess family? someone else you're close to?_

 _/msg lukewarm_mess Why Mess, trying to find out if I'm single?_

 _*lukewarm_mess not funny_

 _mercyslovechild: i_

 _mercyslovechild: i think i like that pottery thing mess_

 _mercyslovechild: i think i like it alot_

 _/msg lukewarm_mess I am not on speaking terms with my family._

 _lukewarm_mess: i'm glad, mercy 3_

 _/msg lukewarm_mess For the rest…. I'm kind of married to my work._

 _lukewarm_mess: we broken people have to stick together_

 _*lukewarm_mess +1 313-XXX-XXXX_

 _/msg lukewarm_mess ?!_

 _*lukewarm_mess okay i HATE talking on the phone_

 _*lukewarm_mess it's one of my anxiety triggers_

 _*lukewarm_mess but_

 _*lukewarm_mess you could text me sometime? if you want to?_

 _*lukewarm_mess and maybe if it's an emergency you could call_

 _*lukewarm_mess if there's really nobody else_

 _/msg lukewarm_mess I_

 _/msg lukewarm_mess Wow_

 _/msg lukewarm_mess You trust me that much?_

 _*lukewarm_mess i just want to know you have someone to reach out to_

 _/msg lukewarm_mess_ _(_ _•̩̩̩́ ᴗ •̩̩̩̀_ _)_

 _/msg lukewarm_mess Thank you. I don't know what else to say._

 _*lukewarm_mess say you'll use it if you need to_

 _/msg lukewarm_mess I will. I promise._

 _mercyslovechild: yea i guess we do ^^_


	5. May 2014

"He's not really my friend, you know," Yuuri informed the Uber driver. He had no idea how long they had been on the road, or how much longer they'd _be_ on the road, and the silence had finally gotten to him. "This is actually a kidnapping. Did you not notice the blindfold?" It was actually a sleep mask, but the effect was the same. Yuuri couldn't see a thing.

"Lies!" Phichit gasped, swatting Yuuri on the shoulder. "I am your _best_ friend. Best possible friend. There are no better friends than me in the entire world and you know it."

"Did you see that?" he demanded. "Now he's using physical violence to subdue me."

There was a dry laugh from the front seat. "Yeah, dude. I can tell you're terrified."

"I'm resigned to my fate," Yuuri corrected primly. "You notice he's not even denying the kidnapping part."

"I'm kidnapping you out of love, Yuuri. It's a _love abduction_."

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's what serial killers say right before they—" The car turned abruptly, and Yuuri fumbled for the oh-shit handle to keep himself upright. Pavement gave way to gravel, and a moment later he felt the engine quiet as they slowed to a stop.

"We're here!"

Having been forbidden to remove the blindfold until Phichit gave him permission to do so, Yuuri unbuckled his seat belt and opened the car door, but stayed where he was. "I forgive you for not saving me," he told the driver as Phichit paid for their ride. "Please don't blame yourself for my impending demise." Then there were hands on his, pulling him to his feet.

"Good luck with your… whatever," the voice laughed, and the car started to pull away.

"My unquiet spirit totally won't haunt you for eternity or anything, so don't worry about it!" Yuuri shouted after the retreating vehicle. Gripping Phichit's hand tightly, he allowed himself to be led off the gravel and onto grass. The sun was warm on his face, and the air was heady with spring flowers.

"You're in a better mood today," Phichit observed as they walked.

Yuuri shrugged. "I guess," he said. "I mean, I'm still incredibly homesick, Victor Nikiforov still doesn't know that I exist, I'm still going to have to take at least an extra semester of classes thanks to Professor Just-Because-You're-An-Olympian-Doesn't-Mean-You're-Exempt-From-My-Attendance-Policy-You-Entitled-Millennial Goddamn Flint, and King probably still hates me. But I had the spoons for basic hygiene this morning, so go me?"

The floral scent was getting stronger now. Much stronger. "You bantered with Uber Mike. Having non-essential spoons to spend is good, right?" Yuuri made a noncommittal noise, and Phichit sighed. "Look, you were eighth at Worlds this year and tenth in the Olympics so the Victor thing is in progress, you're going to camp out in front of the dean's office until she agrees to review Flint's bullshit decision, which she will since she isn't an ageist old goat, and King absolutely does _not_ hate you. In fact, he's been PMing me so much that _I_ can't keep up with his messages, and coming from me you know that's saying something. He's worried, and more than a little afraid that _you_ hate _him_."

Yuuri opened his mouth to protest, but was stopped by a finger on his lips. "Later," Phichit's tone brooked no argument. "First things first." Without further warning, the sleep mask was yanked from his face, and Yuuri found himself blinking against sudden brightness.

The world was a green and purple blur. One of the blankets from their apartment was spread out on the grass, and on top of it sat a red and white plastic cooler. Phichit handed him his glasses, and as he slid them into place, the fuzzy shapes around them resolved into an intimate little grove of lilac bushes. The plants were in full bloom, branches nearly bowing under the weight of the flowers. Yuuri gasped. " _Phichit_." His voice was an awed murmur. "Is this..." he trailed off.

"It's Michigan _hanami_!" Phichit was beaming at Yuuri, delighted by his reaction. "I couldn't find any cherry blossoms, except for some little ornamental trees in people's yards, but lilacs are basically everywhere. Mackinac Island even has a lilac festival, but the hotels have been booked up for months and they're really expensive and anyway, I didn't think I could get you to put up with the blindfold for that long."

"No, this is perfect." And it was. If sakura blossoms were Japan – subtly sweet and graceful, with beauty in their very uniformity – then surely the bold lilac, with its powerful fragrance and infinite variations in size and color, had to be America.

And best of all, they were completely alone. Even in a small town like Hasetsu, _hanami_ would have them fighting for space, everyone's blankets nearly overlapping in the struggle to fit everyone in for the sakura viewing. It was fun, but loud and stressful as well. Here, there was nothing to distract from the flowers, just the rustling of trees in the breeze interrupted by occasional birdsong.

No sooner had they slipped their shoes off and made themselves comfortable on the blanket than Phichit had the cooler open, pulling out treat after treat. Mochi, onigiri, milk pudding, dango; each colored a delicate purple instead of the traditional cherry blossom pink. "So this is what you've been doing with Ketty all week after practice." Yuuri admired a butter cookie and its decoration of sugared lilac blooms before taking a bite. "It's good," he grinned. "Different, but really good!"

"It was her idea to adapt the traditional recipes," Phichit admitted. "But we had to make sure I wasn't going to poison us first. Gods bless the internet."

"I'll drink to that." The violet stuff in the clear plastic carafe turned out to be lemonade. The lilac flavor worked oddly well against the sour citrus.

They made quick work of the festival sweets, and Phichit produced his Dominion cards with a flourish. Yuuri pulled up his favorite "quiet time" playlist on his phone, and they listened to soft music as they played. The two roommates were evenly matched and knew each other's preferred strategies intimately, but managed to keep themselves from getting too competitive. By the time the sun had turned golden and was starting to hang lower in the sky, Yuuri found himself lying on his back with his head in his friend's lap, idly watching the clouds.

"Feeling better?" Phichit was running his fingers through Yuuri's hair.

He considered the question. "Yeah," he sighed finally. "I think this is exactly what I needed. Thanks, Phich."

"Pay me back by helping me drill my triple axel."

"I'd do that anyway." Yuuri was warm and comfortable. He was pleasantly full of wonderful food, he'd won their little Dominion tournament by a single match – and now didn't have to do the dishes for three weeks – and Phichit's fingernails on his scalp were halfway to lulling him to sleep. There was only one thing keeping the day from being utterly perfect.

"Do you mind if I text King?" Then he winced. _Way to go, Katsuki. Phichit plans an entire afternoon to cheer you up, and all you can think about is someone else._

But Phichit only nodded. "I was hoping you would," he said. "Guilt/avoidance spirals aren't a good look on anyone."

Three days ago.

 _Deltatangofoxtrot: then she dragged us out to applebee's_

 _StandardDeviation: Ew._

 _Deltatangofoxtrot: ikr? we're in nola where like three different cuisines were fuckin invented and she wants to eat some crappy chain food we can get back home_

 _KingElsa: That's a crime against travel. What's the point in going places if you're not going to sample the local specialties?_

 _Deltatangofoxtrot: i mean i still proposed_

 _lukewarm_mess: wait, what_

 _Deltatangofoxtrot: we were already there and all_

 _Deltatangofoxtrot: i figure i have our entire lives to teach her the right way to food and also tourist_

 _KingElsa: !_

 _StandardDeviation: Woah, grats man_

 _lukewarm_mess: congratulations!_

 _KingElsa:_ _＼_ _(_ _)_ _／_

 _Deltatangofoxtrot: ty ty XD_

 _KingElsa: (_ _ﾉ_ _ヮ_ _`)_ _ﾉ_ _*:_ _･ﾟ_

 _KingElsa: °˖_ _(^_ _^)_

 _lukewarm_mess: have you set a date yet?_

 _Deltatangofoxtrot: nothing firm but we're hoping for autumn_

 _Deltatangofoxtrot: we met on halloween_

 _StandardDeviation: You want to get on that right away then_

 _lukewarm_mess: yeah definitely, reserve your venue at the very least_

 _Deltatangofoxtrot: …_

 _lukewarm_mess: my family is in the hospitality business and even in a small town we have scheduling conflicts_

 _lukewarm_mess: because people wait til the last minute_

 _Deltatangofoxtrot: is it too late to elope_

 _lukewarm_mess: waiting drives the price of food and stuff up too because they have to make the suppliers scramble_

 _StandardDeviation: It's never too late to elope but_

 _KingElsa: GASP_

 _StandardDeviation: That has to be what you both want_

 _KingElsa: NO ELOPING!_

 _StandardDeviation: My wedding was just a courthouse thing with four people there_

 _StandardDeviation: Then we went out to lunch at a nice cafe_

 _StandardDeviation: It was what we wanted and it was the best day of my life_

 _KingElsa: There should be dancing and cake and laughter_

 _KingElsa And champagne! And wonderful food_

 _StandardDeviation: But not everyone is okay with that_

 _KingElsa: And everyone should be there to celebrate. EVERYONE!_

 _StandardDeviation: *cough* Exhibit A *cough*_

 _Deltatangofoxtrot: i don't mind having a big thing, i just have no idea how to plan one_

 _KingElsa: And my groom had better ransom me properly!_

 _lukewarm_mess: whose wedding is this anyway (_ ___ _)_

 _StandardDeviation: Nobody does fox, if the gods wanted us to know how to plan weddings they wouldn't have given us the internet_

 _Deltatangofoxtrot: i spent like two minutes googling and then had to eat a whole pint of cherry garcia_

 _KingElsa: ! Is that a proposal, Mess?_

 _StandardDeviation: My cousin just had a big event-style wedding, do you want me to ask her for links_

 _Deltatangofoxtrot: omg i will be your best friend_

 _Deltatangofoxtrot: i will fight ninjas for you_

 _Deltatangofoxtrot: and nazis_

 _Deltatangofoxtrot: and spiders_

 _lukewarm_mess: not if you're going to be all groomzilla at me, king_

 _Deltatangofoxtrot: i will name my firstborn after you_

 _StandardDeviation: Stan? ._

 _lukewarm_mess: what if I want something small_

 _Deltatangofoxtrot: or devi if its a girl_

 _StandardDeviation: Devi is pretty. Okay, I approve_

 _lukewarm_mess: family only, maybe on the beach_

 _KingElsa: A hundred people?_

 _StandardDeviation: I'll PM you when she gets back to me_

 _lukewarm_mess: twenty. MAYBE._

 _Deltatangofoxtrot: srsly you are my hero_

 _KingElsa: …Per side?_

 _lukewarm_mess: in total_

 _KingElsa: (_ _｡_ _•_ _́_ _︿_ _•_ _̀_ _｡_ _)_

 _KingElsa: You're breaking my heart._

 _Deltatangofoxtrot: STICK TO YOUR GUNS MESS_

 _KingElsa: Stay out of this, you… you elopement advocate! My tender soul lies in pieces at Mess' feet. I can't go on._

 _StandardDeviation: Oh lord_

 _KingElsa: Bury me in silk and seed pearls!_

 _KingElsa: Scatter rose petals and string quartets on my grave!_

 _StandardDeviation: *facepalms at the sheer extra*_

 _lukewarm_mess: we can have our dogs be ring bearers though_

 _KingElsa: G A S P_

 _KingElsa: *clasps hands together*_

 _KingElsa: You do love me!_

 _Deltatangofoxtrot: those two deserve eachother_

 _lukewarm_mess: (⁄ ⁄⁄ ω_ _⁄⁄ ⁄)_

 _StandardDeviation: *nod nod*_

 _lukewarm_mess: anyway, back to the travel food thing…_

 _lukewarm_mess: does anyone have any suggestions for good places to eat in chicago?_

 _StandardDeviation: Summer trip? Nice_

 _lukewarm_mess: autumn trip, actually. peach and i are making plans to drive out for a weekend_

 _Deltatangofoxtrot: superdawg for hot dogs_

 _Deltatangofoxtrot: giordanos or pequods for pizza_

 _StandardDeviation: I've never been, sorry_

 _KingElsa: I always make it a point to go to Alinea._

 _Deltatangofoxtrot: O.o_

 _KingElsa: The chef there is a mad genius._

 _Deltatangofoxtrot: damn king how much do you think a poor college student can afford_

 _lukewarm_mess: oh, is it pricey?_

 _Deltatangofoxtrot: does the pope shit in the woods?_

 _lukewarm_mess: ?_

 _StandardDeviation: He means yes, mess_

 _lukewarm_mess: um. ok?_

 _Deltatangofoxtrot: like really yes_

 _KingElsa: Maybe a bit. It's worth every penny, though._

 _lukewarm_mess: wait_

 _lukewarm_mess: does that mean he does though?_

 _KingElsa: I… also don't understand that phrase._

 _lukewarm_mess: i mean why would he go outside when he lives in a palace or something_

 _lukewarm_mess: doesn't make any sense_

 _StandardDeviation: It's just a stupid saying, guys_

 _StandardDeviation: A mixup of two other stupid sayings. It was in a movie_

 _KingElsa: English is weird._

 _lukewarm_mess: *nods* ESL SOLIDARITY_

 _iamworthy: Excuse you, AMERICAN English is weird. PROPER English is normal_

 _iamworthy: *goes back to lurking*_

 _KingElsa: *fistbumps Mess*_

 _lukewarm_mess: AESL SOLIDARITY?_

 _iamworthy: Also cheers, fox_

 _Deltatangofoxtrot: ty ^^_

 _KingElsa: Actually, I'll be in Illinois myself in October. I need to make reservations before they get booked up – thanks for reminding me!_

Yuuri blinked at the chat window. What were the chances that he'd be in the same state as King, at the same time? Not that his Skate America schedule would leave much room for socializing, but… maybe? If the timing worked out? If they were close enough to drive? If he and Phichit left a day or so early, or stayed a bit late?

He tapped out a private message before he could second-guess himself.

 _/msg KingElsa what dates, if you don't mind me asking_

 _*KingElsa 20-27 Oct. Why?_

He sucked in a breath. The competition was scheduled for the weekend of the twenty-fifth. Their visits would absolutely overlap. And if KingElsa was talking about making reservations at a Chicago restaurant, he must surely be staying in the general area of the city, right?

/msg KingElsa that's when we're planning on being there

 _Do you want to meet up somewhere_ , Yuuri didn't type. _Wow what a crazy coincidence_ , was keyed and deleted. _Do you like me, because I think I might like you and Phichit even agrees because he stopped giving me a hard time about you and he only stops teasing when he doesn't want to scare me off of something_ … yeah, no. All the no. Nope, even. _Hell_ nope.

Yuuri realized that he had been staring into space for over a minute. It was too long a pause. Whatever he said was going to be weird and awkward now. Just like Yuuri was weird and awkward. The little blinking cursor was mocking him. King hadn't replied yet, either. He must be waiting for Yuuri to finish his thought. Which was a problem because _Yuuri_ was waiting for Yuuri to finish his thought. His ears were burning, his breaths starting to come shallow and quick. _Say something!_ he commanded himself in desperation. _Anything!_

Yuuri closed his eyes, held his breath, and keyboard mashed.

 _/msg KingElsa do you think you want ot meet for coffe emaybe_

And he waited.

KingElsa didn't reply.

 _Of course he doesn't want to see you in real life_ , the cruel little voice of his anxiety whispered. _He's rich and successful, the top of his field he said. The restaurants he goes to have actual chefs and menus with no prices listed_. _He even manages his depression without help. And who are you? You're just a mediocre skater with three prescriptions and a therapist, whose college professor is flunking you for missing too much class. You're too jittery, too awkward, too shy, too boring, too everything. Too_ Yuuri.

His hands were shaking as he typed, his vision starting to blur around the edges as he hit the enter key, but he wasn't so far into his head yet that he didn't notice the _two_ new lines displayed on the screen.

 _*KingElsa I'm sorry but I really don't think I'll be able to_

 _*lukewarm_mess KingElsa: you know hwat never mind so rry it was a dumb idea im sorry i'pp just go now_

Well. There was really nothing more to be said, was there?

Yuuri slammed the laptop lid closed just as the panic crashed over him like a wave.

"Don't look," Yuuri cautioned Phichit before taking a deep breath and opening his SMS app. There were a _lot_ of messages from KingElsa. He'd known that King was texting him; it was why he had shut off his notifications.

"Of course not," Phichit huffed in mock offense. He had already stuffed his earbuds into his ears and pulled up something to watch on YouTube, but he continued his slow petting of Yuuri's hair. He really was the best friend ever.

Yuuri deliberately didn't read the flood of texts that he'd received over the last few days. At best they'd be super nice and he'd feel even worse about ignoring them. At worst…

Even Yuuri's broken brain had a hard time believing that KingElsa needed _seventy six individual text messages_ just to tell him to go fuck himself.

But what to write? Sorry I'm a human trash fire but you knew that when you met me, unless you didn't actually believe me at the time, in which case: surprise!? No. That sounded like he was fishing for reassurance, and Yuuri wanted things with King to go back to what they had been before, not force the man to be kind to him out of obligation. It was best to just keep things short and honest.

 ** _hi_**

 ** _I know it's super late in Europe so you're probably asleep_**

 ** _but I wanted to say I'm sorry for freaking out at you_**

It was odd how tapping out three little sentences could make him feel so much better. Yuuri had built the situation up in his head until it was a towering monster of guilt and fear and then he hid from it, even though he knew from long experience that running away could only feed that particular type of beast and make it stronger. It wasn't slain yet – wouldn't be until after King saw his messages and they were able to talk, probably tomorrow – but just facing it was the hard part.

"It's getting late," he told Phichit, raising his voice slightly to be heard over whatever his friend was watching. "We should probably call Uber Mike to come get us, maybe get some dinner?"

"Dinner with Uber Mike?" Phichit was back to teasing him, and all was right with the world. "I didn't realize you two had hit it off so well!"

"Funny. You know what I—" A new word bubble appeared on the screen.

 _Mess!_

3 3 3

 _I missed you!_

Phichit rolled his eyes fondly at Yuuri's expression and went back to his video.

 ** _I'm so sorry_**

 ** _I missed you too_**

 _You don't need to apologize._

 ** _I just got really nervous_**

 ** _about asking you to meet irl_**

 ** _it's totally okay if you don't want to_**

 _I did!_

 _I mean, I do._

 _It's just… complicated?_

 ** _I understand complicated_**

 _My time is pretty booked while I'm in the US_

 _Even when I'm free I'm already going out with a bunch of people_

 _and I know you don't do crowds._

 ** _well I feel dumb_**

 _If/when we do meet I want you to feel comfortable!_

 _Don't feel dumb._

 ** _I just can't help thinking that there's no way someone like you could be interested_**

 ** _in someone like me_**

 _You are many things, but you have never been dumb!_

 ** _many things like…_**

 ** _a mess?_**

 _The lukewarmest of messes! 3_

 _I had to look that word up when we met, you know._

 _Your English is better than mine._

 _And I never went to university at all, much less had a double major!_

 _So you're super smart and hardworking._

 _And you can dance better than me._

 ** _you've never seen me dance_**

 _Whose fault is that, I wonder. ._

 ** _it's embarrassing_**

 ** _I don't want you to think badly of me_**

 _Solnyshko. That is NEVER going to happen._

 ** _I know. I do_**

 ** _I just_**

 ** _wait what does that word mean_**

 _It means sunshine. Because that's what you are._

 ** _if you say so_**

 _I do say so!_

 _But…_

 ** _but?_**

Ah, and there it was. The 'but'. The pet name was so sweet – and Yuuri had never been given a nickname before – but King was just using it to cushion a blow. He had always been so kind and thoughtful that way.

The dreaded ellipsis kept appearing and disappearing below Yuuri's last comment. King must be struggling for words.

 _To tell the honest truth, I'm also kind of scared to meet face-to-face._

Yuuri let out the breath he'd been holding. Was _that_ all?

 ** _that makes total sense_**

 ** _I could be an axe murderer_**

 _No! I trust you._

 _I trust you and I do want to meet you one day._

 _And see you dance!_

 _I just…_

More ellipses. A longer pause.

 _I don't want things to change between us._

 _And I'm terrified that they will._

 _Even if you don't see me any differently other people will want a piece of you_

 _And I'm selfish, Mess_

 _I want to keep you to myself for as long as I can_

Yuuri blinked. Who _was_ this man?

 ** _Are you an idol?_**

 ** _A movie star?_**

 _Haha no, nothing like that_

 _But I do model, among other things_

 _It's a rather public lifestyle_

 ** _I understand_**

Of course he did. Even a dime-a-dozen skater had to deal with publicity when competing on the international stage. Public interviews and sponsorships were all part of the package. Yuuri had even featured in a few magazine ads of his own, including one very embarrassing Calvin Klein ad in which he'd worn a pair of jeans so tight they might as well have been painted on. Nothing else; just jeans and a smile. The thought of what King – or anyone! – might think of him if _that_ was their reference…

He shuddered in sympathy.

 ** _let's make a deal then_**

 ** _you be king and I'll be mess_**

 ** _no expectations_**

 ** _no judgment_**

 ** _just us_**

 _No dance videos?_

 ** _no_**

 ** _well_**

:/

 ** _maybe someday_**

 _Nobody's ever asked me to just be me before, you know_

 _I'll probably be awful at it_

 ** _you seem to be doing just fine to me_**

"Whoops, our ride's here!" Phichit was apologetic, but Yuuri smiled at him as he rolled off the blanket so that it could be folded and stowed in the now-empty cooler.

 ** _I have to go, uber is here. ttyl?_**

 _Of course. I'll be here!_

Sparing a last fond glance at his phone, Yuuri blacked the screen with his thumb and slid the device into his pocket. He and Phichit kept a companionable silence as they walked back through the empty park to go meet their driver – Uber Christina this time – and head home.

If Yuuri had remembered to turn his notifications back on, he would have seen King's final two texts well before dinner, before Mario Kart, before toothpaste and pajamas and goodnight hugs. It was just as well. The sharp intake of breath, the hands covering his mouth, the tears prickling his eyes; these were private things, and not to be shared with strangers or even beloved friends.

 _You're one of my reasons, you know._

 _Good night, solnyshko._


	6. October 2014

"My love for you could move mountains and the hearts of ISU judges," Phichit murmured. His tone was saccharine, his accent thick and atrocious to the point of being borderline offensive.

"Ah, but I have loved you since the moment that I saw you, when I was but a child," he replied passionately. The ridiculous accent was gone, his tone higher and breathy, but the words were no less coated in syrup. "I'm a man now."

"I will prove my adoration by shouting it from the rooftops!" He clasped his hands together over his heart.

"I'll make you super-cute bentos every day with rice balls in the shape of figure skates and poodles!" He pressed the back of one hand against his forehead and cast his eyes dramatically skyward.

"What _are_ you doing, _mon petit_?" That was all the warning Phichit was afforded before two hundred pounds of weaponized flirtation draped itself over his shoulders.

Phichit craned his head back to meet Christophe Giacometti's amused, upside-down features. "I'm spectating the pairs short program, in a spirit of solidarity and good sportsmanship?" he offered guilelessly. Christophe quirked an eyebrow at him, and he grinned back. "And I may also be shipping our respective besties for my own personal amusement."

Christophe shifted his gaze down to where Phichit had been looking a moment ago. "Ah," he said after a moment. The French representatives on the ice were skating a solid but unremarkable program to something from _Carmen_. Yuuri Katsuki was ostensibly watching from a seat in the front row, but was far more engrossed in his phone than in synchronized double axels or footwork. Half curled up in his chair, comfortable as only someone who was intimately familiar with stadium seating could manage, Yuuri's posture was all college student with no classically trained dancer to be found. And two rows directly behind the oblivious Yuuri, Victor Nikiforov sat like a king observing his kingdom. Which, to be fair, he pretty much was. His spine was straight, his head tilted just enough to display a thoughtful, television-ready smile. And although his own phone was resting in his lap, out of sight to the casual observer or rogue audience-cam, his fingers were flying over the virtual keyboard. "They do rather look as though they're conversing, don't they?"

They really did. Yuuri would type, and a text balloon would appear on Victor's screen shortly after. A mischievous expression ghosted across the champion's face, and suddenly Yuuri was cramming a fist in his mouth to stifle giggles. It was endearing. It was perfect.

It was a total coincidence, of course.

"Sadly for your no doubt extensive imaginary wedding plans, I know all too well the identity of Victor's current _amour_."

Phichit shrugged. "And I know Yuuri's. That's not going to stop me from having fun with a situation. Besides, you can't tell me those two wouldn't look stunning in black and white."

"Perhaps." Christophe's tone turned teasing. "But what of you, _mon petit_? This is your second year of seniors, and we've barely spoken. Are you as bashful as our darling _pain au cannelle_ , or must I take offense?"

"I'm not shy." Anyone who so much as glanced at Phichit's Insta feed would be well aware of _that_. "But I was underage until recently, and my coach had me on a tight leash. I hate to be the one who has to break this to you, but you, sir, have a bit of a reputation."

A velvet chuckle tickled his ear. "Nothing good, I hope?"

Now it was Phichit's turn to laugh quietly. "I'm sure that Miss Manners wouldn't approve, but I hear you're easy, fun, and honest. You respect a hard 'no' and listen carefully for soft ones. Your list of rumored partners is as long as a certain living legend's, but backed by more evidence, and yet you don't seem to have left a string of broken hearts in your wake. In short, _Monsieur Giacometti_ ," he softened his voice until it matched Christophe's purr, "you seem like a gentleman who I would very much like to get to know."

Christophe looked surprised and pleased. "You should work in intelligence, _mon petit_."

Without missing a beat, Phichit shot back, "And who's to say that I don't?"

Christophe was grinning in open delight now. "Now we simply must get better acquainted," he said.

"Yuuri and I haven't decided on dinner yet." He hoped that Yuuri wouldn't be too upset that Phichit was making plans without consulting him, but one additional person shouldn't be too stressful after the short program skate. And Yuuri did like Chris.

"Alas," and Christophe really did seem disappointed, "I have reservations with Victor tonight. I'd love to invite you along, but our seating is for two and I'm told that the waiting list is really rather extensive."

"Plus we'd be scraping bits of Japan's Ace off the ceiling after he spontaneously combusted." Phichit knew that Christophe had offered to introduce Yuuri to Victor in the past. Such attempts had gone over... poorly.

"That, too." He shook his head. "It really is a pity you can't join us. In Victor's words, the _chef de cuisine_ is a 'mad genius'. I'm quite looking forward to tasting his art."

Phichit went still. _No_. Yes? That phrasing. The coincidence in timing. The refusal of a certain chatroom dweller to let slip so much as a picture of his dog when talking – evasively – about his personal life. The frequent travel, so much of it coinciding with skating events. The so-interactive-seeming dual text messaging that was _still going on_ not fifty feet below where he and Chris were standing. "Oh?" he kept his tone playful, interested. "What's it called? I'm always up for new experiences, and Chicago's not too far for an off-season road trip."

Chris pursed his lips, apparently detecting something different in Phichit's manner, but not sure what to make of the change. "Alinea, I believe."

Holy _fuck_.

It wasn't certain. Hell, it wasn't _probable_. That this was a complicated series of misunderstandings and coincidences orchestrated by a universe that was deliberately, _maliciously_ , out to break Thailand's Sweetheart Phichit Chulanont's brain made a whole lot more sense than… what? Yuuri Katsuki somehow spending every waking non-skating moment unknowingly flirting with his own personal lord and savior, the god of ice skating himself, Victor Fucking Nikiforov? Who he'd met in a random IRC channel for mental health support? And wait, did that mean that _Victor Nikiforov_ was suffering from _depression_? How? _Since_ _when_?

On autopilot while his entire worldview was rebooting, Phichit thanked Christophe pleasantly for the information and wished him and Victor an enjoyable evening. They swapped numbers, and he followed Chris' Instagram. He floated the idea of getting together Monday morning for brunch. He even engaged in a bit of good-natured trash talking for the upcoming men's short program. And all the while, the same two thoughts were circling endlessly in his head.

 _How can I tell him?_

 _How can I_ not _tell him?_

If Phichit informed Yuuri that his best non-amazing-hamster-dad friend KingElsa was actually Victor Nikiforov – after doing an actual metric fuckton of sleuthing beforehand, because he'd be damned if he would even hint at such a thing without being at least a hundred and twenty percent _sure_ – Yuuri would…

Assuming that Yuuri even believed him in the first place? He'd run. He'd swear Phichit to secrecy, delete his chat client, and vanish completely from the internet without another word or thought. Which, Victor (!) aside, would be terrible for him. The #TCF regulars had stopped being merely an anonymous support group for Yuuri years ago, and not only would it be impossible for him to replace them, he wouldn't even try. He'd be throwing away part of the backbone of his emotional stability.

Or would he? Yuuri had come so far in the four years since he and Phichit had met. He was so much stronger. Maybe he'd be able to get past the shock when he realized that the pun-loving goofball that he livetweeted terrible American television with was so much more and less than the legend on his posters. Maybe it could be the beginning of something magical. Maybe—

"Hey, Yuu-chan! Smiiiiile!" Holding his phone up as though taking a picture, Phichit watched Yuuri straighten in his seat and turn to face him. He saw the instant when his best friend took note of the man just two rows behind him, turned instantly scarlet, and practically teleported himself under his seat in his effort to hide himself from Victor's sight.

 _Maybe someday, but not today. Oh, Yuuri._

"That was cruel, _mon petit_." Christophe was equal parts amused and chiding.

"Our love is strong and pure and he'll forgive me with the application of enough chocolate," Phichit chirped, unrepentant.

 _Because what I'm about to do is going to be so much crueler_.

 _But I honestly can't think of another way to be kind._


End file.
